Dear Readers (few though you may be),
There have been some developments and they have left me wallowing in a black pit of despair. To combat the desire to hide myself away in a cave until the days get sunny again or to sleep for 14 hours straight so that Im not conscious enough to consider my predicament, Ive been diving into the absurd. I try to remind myself of Mitch Hedberg's advice: "If you ever find yourself lost in the words, fuck it, build a house.... I used to be lost, but now I live here... I have severely improved my predicament." The easy answer for me, however, is not nearly so appeasing. Here is my situation:
1. My mother left the state and so I have even less financial aid than the modicum I previously recieved.
2. If I do not come up with 5 grand in two weeks I will be blocked for fall registration
3. I have to deal with my throat problems, which likely include surgery during the first few weeks of the fall semester.
4. I had to medically withdraw from the summer session and there is lingering doubt in the recesses of my mind that I am actually not smart enough for this work.
5. Lindsay and I broke up and I moved. He has not made things easy on me.
The compounded effect off all of these connundrums is overwhelming to say the least. The best solution I can come up with is to withdraw from the university for fall semester and take a third job in attempts to make enough money to hopefully pay for spring semester (which would be my final semester- I have actually finished all my requirements for graduation save the quantitative reasoning credit). I lose my health insurance in a contemptible catch 22. Even if you withdraw on medical grounds, as an undergraduate you lose your university insurance. This is not über-difficult to rectify. I will simply buy outside insurance although at cost to myself and I already have the predisclosed financial problems.
This solution, however, brought me some degree of relief and I began working on a resume for attaining said third job. My mother promptly sent me an email explaining that she did not have any faith in me. That she did not believe I would finish college if I withdrew for even one semester. Considering that she is not helping me and that my father could not help because he recently bailed my brother out of jail (costing the approximate amount of my fall tuition), this declaration of my ineptitude hit me like a slap in the face the size of a 18 wheel cargo truck. She could not have done any better to undermine my already dwindling confidence in myself.
This is the time I need support. She did not offer any, quite the opposite. Lindsay, also launched an all out assault on my emotions. He has agreed to attempt to be more sensitive and I hope he does, but I worry that with Iris returning and his previous lashing out that he will not be able to give the kind of friendly support I need right now.
So what to do? Be silly. So here is my problem-solving technique. Micah took me to a party at his collective, million fishes, which was based on thier burning man camp, Monticello. I resolve to continue this brand of absurdity until the dark clouds which have settled above me lift.
Not too shabby, eh? Absurdität, hurrah! I will keep my spirits high and plow forward through this batch of ill luck. If ever there were a time to break out the robes, candles, and insense and do some good ole high ritual magick that time is now (and now is now now). Thankfully there are a few people in my life dedicated to keeping me on tract, motivated to continuing to have faith about the world and humanity in a characteristically lorien sort of a vain. I have always said that "emphatically happy people are never temperate, moderate of brief." This missive is not the soul of wit, as it were. I take that as evidence that I am still the emphatic me, underneath it all.
xoxoxo
Lorien
